I'm finding life so difficult at the moment... the weird thing is its not me who is struggling, its the folks around me. Im not about to jump off a tall place or anything, more wandering around in a relfective daze
Im finding the oddest things and people are dragging me down....
why is it that I seem to be the only one in this household who can possibly work out how to swap a full toliet roll for an empty one. Its become a symbol of my life....
Other half has had some fairly interesting medical results.. I think we have to seriously discuss life and what we do with what is left. The way we are carrying on with work and life just wont do and if time is short, which it would appear to be this cant be the only way to live it.
Face book is driving me crackers - rather than be a link to people and a place to chat - its just reminding me of the lack of physical friends, I couldnt be more crushing lonely if I tried. If it were a game show, I'd be winning. I do try but dont seem to be linking with anyone or wanted or needed. Its the people who dont seem to treat people very well who seem to have the multidude of friends - how does that work. Gosh I sounds like a moaning old fart.
Am feeling very hassled by family about what is expected for christmas and who should be seeing who when and what.
So many people recently seem to have had deaths and loved ones pass on, no rhyme nor reason. I mean a litterly silly number compared to the people I know.
I know no one reads this as dont have many people attached to it. Sometimes it helps to get it all out before frying pans look nice to hurl.
I look in the mirror more and more and wander how I allowed myslef to turn into this person. How I put up with his behaviour.
Im not in a violent relationship and I certainly wouldnt call it abuse but his understanding of how the world works and what behaviour he thinks is acceptable is driving me quite mad. How he reacts to traffic, other peoples vague non personal comments, other people being nice or not is way out of proportion to a normal person. He then goes down a teenage girls road of behvaiour of pulling up everything else that was ever wrong in the history of wrong wrong d'wrong......
Today we went from me saying a friend has asked if he was ok to that person being a wanker and not a friend - why did they ask me instead of him, me be being a wanker for talking about him!>!>!> , we should close the business, to I don't do enough work and get enough work, to what's the point, we are down to our last however many tens of thousands ( shit the bed - call the social now!) to ignoring me totally and just barking orders.
Of course I help no end by not entertaining any of it and even on occassion laughing - it seems to be all my body allows me to do with out resorting to violence. I mean I am a vaguely normal human ( so my mother tells me) a 46 year old woman... only 8 year olds act like this! And yes we have all sorts of stresses and pressures and illnesses to deal with - so does ever other person on the planet... making everyone else the enemy and never willing to admid your own failings is stunning as a grown man.
The sad thing is , it just makes me care less and less. Everytime he looses his temper ( usually about a about a fart in the wind) I become the enemy yet again. Once I am deemed 'forgiven' for pointing out the behaviour or shock and shudder the horror of not tolerating it, life goes on. We do talk once he has calmed down, he says sorry and onwards.
The me of 12 years ago would laugh a lot at the me of now.
Why is it we cling on to the occassional nice things that make it all worth while or the shared history, or dare I say it the house or the family when relationships should be mostly nice and the occassional bad. Somewhere along the line I allowed the balance to tip.
I am a total tit and need to remove my head from my arse.
One weekend of travelling, being away and some serious drinking wiped out a sunday completely. Had a lovely time though although the deafness is really a bind. Caught up with some people not seen in oh gosh 8 years which was lovely! All as mad as ever!
Done birthday number 2 last week where I was surprised with girlie friends waiting for me at a resturant for a birthday meal :-) Nados and a ballon and I'm anyones I tell you lol. Didn't have to arrange myself, didn't have to chase round, was lovely!
Barney with the other half over the weekend - we really do have different values and how to treat people. Its always going to end in an argument when I think and believe I know whats right and wrong.
Operation for breast lump done last week...anesthetic knocked me for 6. All healed, stitches driving me slightly insane! They come out thursday this week if I havent ripped them out myself before!
Sad for far flung friends today - sometimes people do seem to get more than their fair share of showers of shit. Its never the horrible poeple either!