melly_snm (melly_snm) wrote,

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waffling outloud

I had a very brief moment where my head was back where it was in my late teens when I considered that it wasnt worth being around.. I wanted to run away from the house stuff, the work stuff and the puppies (I adore them but 2 is taking every bit of strength I have)

Hindsight is a marvellous thing.. 

Im still deeply pondering the fact that when my friend and ex boss committed suicide (sadly) she is basically not missed.. missed in that shes not around but the person she had become through depression and how that effected her personality is not missed. I can see her husband with a weight off his shoulders. The 'burden' so to speak of living with the tears and fights and tanrums, screaming is gone. I miss the person she used to be, not the person of late.

It got me thinking - who would actually miss me if I ran away, just decided to stop dealing with this particular life.

Im not putting my self down I know I have some qualities and can be very loyal and even been known to be a giggle occassionally.

I can feel my brain imploding a little more everyday, I don't like me much at the moment. When I open my eyes in the morning I think shit another day, another day of 12 hours work that is hard slog and not much fun at the moment, puppies who are pushing every button I have trying to control and train them, the dealing with estate agents and solicitors. I've stopped making an effort with friends too... theres not much point. I dont have the time to go visit people and I even bore myself with my tales of misery.

The irony is its all self inflicted - we chose this house and because of the trouble are choosing to move, we chose the puppies, I have the choice to change my job. And as I say to people - we all have choices.. some of them difficult but there's always a choice.

Got the mother in law comming for 2 days tomorrow too.. normally wouldnt bat an eyelid - but everything is a very high mountain at the moment.

Himself is working so hard we hardly see each other.. we manage a meal and brush teeth together.

I think I should leave IC too - we are not involved in any bdsm at the moment - it seems a fraud being on there.

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